What if you were a computer icon?

A widgit. A launcher. A shortcut. Or in my ever-increasing technophobic mind – a doo daa.  I call it that mainly because I can never remember the technical name of whatever it is I am trying to decipher while my in-house geek has the audacity to hold down a job so we can pay the bills.

So, I put it to you, honourable jury… what if you were a computer icon?

Would you be bold and brass and take up as much space on the screen as you could? Your bulky shape letting everyone know you are here by being bigger than every other icon?  Even the simple waste paper bin that stores all your deleted files is saying ‘wow, look at that icon’. You want to be top dog icon. Icon of the year 2014 and so much more…

Well, that’s all well and good, but here’s what kind of icon I would be:

1. SUPERPOWERS – oh, come on! What’s the use of being the coolest icon in the world if you don’t have a super power? Maybe my power would be to turn the PC off when you’re right in the middle of a very important document that should have been sent yesterday? No, that would be cruel and so unlike the blue screen of death that many of us have encountered on our old faithful laptops over the years.

2. COLOUR – I would be red. Red to me means danger! Watch out people, donkey on the edge coming through and all that kind of stuff.  Yeah, I see you cowering over there you printer icon, you!

3. UNDELETABLE- yip, that’s me. Could also be known as annoying but no, we are WAY to nice for that kind of chat in here.

4. ONE CLICK OPEN – how many times have you double-clicked on an icon and NOTHING HAPPENS? Hmm, how many? See. I know what I’m talking about.

5. FRIENDLY – I don’t think I would go down the email-human-user-a message-a-day route but maybe a little joke every now and again. Maybe on every fourth click, I could have a speech bubble appearing above my smiley face and I could tell a joke. I am not concerned that I am the only one that would laugh. I also wouldn’t mention how nice my human looks today or tell them ‘that’s a nice perfume’. Let’s face it. I’m an icon. I don’t have a nose that can smell or eyes that can see.

6. EMOTIONS – I think, as in every working relationship, you should be able to express your emotions. Your colleagues are then well aware of your mood and can address the situation accordingly. Maybe some pixel chocolate or a small gin and tonic modular programme might be in order. Happy workers unite!

7. STEADFAST – I would be your number one go-to icon. A familiar blot on your working screen. Regularly blinking away in the corner. Waiting patiently for a job to do. My user would smile and say encouraging words like ‘you always do the right thing’ and ‘what would I do without you’. Sigh.

8. AUTOMATICALLY UPDATED – oh yes, I saved the best for last. The familiar words may ring true that you ‘NEED TO UPDATE TO VERSION 8,000,000,0002A as soon as you can’. Just stop right there. No, no and thrice no. In my iconic wisdom I will absorb any changes and ensure that it is business as usual for my human. No furious banging of hands on the table, no AAAGGGGHHHH! shouts at the screen as it reboots for the fifth time. I will remain calm and assured at all times and put all the necessary unnecessary changes in a jar….you never know, I whisper to myself, I might need them later.